Excuse Me

I'm afraid that I wasn't clear with my post yesterday. That wasn't meant to be an incredibly negative post, believe it or not. I'm usually not a negative person, but a "strong" person. Or, so I'm told. I'm not sure if I believe that.

I was told that what I'm jokingly referring to as "Facebook Island" is self preservation. What I didn't delve into are all of the other reasons I set up that account.  The reasons that really don't have a thing to do with neurotypicality, other people's lives so much, or what is being deemed by some as pure negativity.

For the wonderful outpouring of support I received on my pages yesterday- thank you. 

One woman wrote me a message, which, in the beginning, summed up my current feelings perfectly: "I don't know you or your life..."

That is at the crux of how I feel for the people who want to call me negative. Who want to say that I need to put on a positive spin because "sometimes life sucks." Yes, life sucks sometimes, but what happens when you feel like you're at the end of your rope or beyond and it has nothing to do with an autism journey?

I was criticized for deactivating my personal Facebook page by people who don't know my life, but think that they do. I was judged unfairly.

Let me break this down... I've been on medication for the last two weeks to shrink my endometriosis, it's called Megace. I've talked about it on my Deciphering Morgan page. I mentioned it making me "nuttier than a fruitcake" in yesterday's post.

It's a drug which was supposed to shrink the endo in my body. It's also a drug which is used to treat cancer of the breast or uterus (i.e. tumors). I was taking it three times a day. 90 pills in three weeks is what I was supposed to take.  Until I couldn't take the side effects any longer. Click the hyperlink on the name, it gives you the lovely list of those.

What I left out is how bad the side effects have been for me. How I've been muscling through as best as I can, but I can't any longer. How I've now had to come off of those potential surgery avoiding drugs because of the fact that they were causing me to be incredibly fatigued, swell horribly to the point of more pain, and, the have uncontrollable massive anxiety attacks and the worst suicidal thoughts which even my anti anxiety drugs could not touch. How the pain was made worse, but I've just had to learn to live with it.

How that's the reason, in addition to so many others, I had to retreat from "full Facebook" for one week- and it didn't even last that long. Just one. I neglected to mention this because it's no one's damned business but my own. However, I figure that if one woman reading this is investigating it versus another drug or surgery for endo, she needs to know what it can do. Enough women have messaged me in the past two months about drug or other medical treatments for endo; this could be valuable information.

I've retreated from my friends and even family because I don't want them to see or know me like this. I don't want to be that asshole from the Giving Tree who kept taking until there was nothing left to take. Plus, there's that whole crying thing I've been doing in the last week and a half. Who wants that?

I prefer to be proactive enough about my life to know when my mental health isn't good and get help. Take a bit of a social media break. Find a happy place. Find an outlet. Hug my kids. Know what's worth living for.

But no, that's wrong.

This isn't "leaving anyone out of my journey," this is self-preservation and knowing when enough is enough and being afraid of even harsher judgement.

At the end of the day, I know where my positives are- my children, my husband, and my real friends. You know, my support network?

Sometimes, it's necessary to talk about things which are not pretty or uplifting. Kicking people when they are down is probably the lowest form of inhumanity I know. It does not move you higher up some imagined social media ladder- it only makes you look like a thoughtless jerk.

Everyone is going through their own journey. Some share it with a mediocum of grace, others do not know how. Choose your category.

Excuse me for telling my truth.

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