This week, Morgan had a book report due on a non fiction topic. We'd had this coming for a while and two trips to the school's library were required because the first trip wasn't well... good. Morgan brought back a book that I would never deem "okay" for a report. I wrote a note to his teacher asking her to please have someone help him pick out something during library time last week. The two books he brought home seemed below his reading level (currently at entry level of 2nd grade- we're moving up!), but I decided to go with them because I didn't want to make Morgan uncomfortable.
So, we read the books. We chose one book for the report, which is pre-printed with questions. Morgan did very well, his handwriting was laborious and neat. The last question of the report, however, was what killed me.
"Did you enjoy this book? Why or why not?" Morgan said he did because it was easy. As in, easy to read. Okay... I asked him why would he pick an "easy" book to read when the instructions for the report were to choose a book at or above his reading level.
"Mom, I'm stupid. I can't read." I'm paraphrasing here, but that was the gist of the conversation we had. He'd chosen those books to read because he thinks he's dumb. He knows he has a hard time reading. He knows that it's difficult for him to comprehend or "know" (his word) what he's reading about. Morgan putting his insecurities into words made my gut clench.
Reading has been his biggest weakness since we can remember. In every IEP, there have been instructions for someone to read aloud tests, assignments, etc. Every night during homework, I read Morgan's instructions, reading assignments, English work, science if it's given... all of it. I make him read it, too, but he doesn't comprehend a lot of it. If it's spoken, he gets it. But he tells me that the words "swim" and tests show that his reading accuracy is 31 words per minute. History has shown that normally, I don't believe in most school issued tests, but in the case of reading, I might be willing to make an exception.
But he's not stupid. I was wondering where Morgan gets that from, because I won't even allow his brother or him to say, "that's so dumb/stupid" or "you're an idiot" in conversation. I kind of poked and prodded him and, turns out, something might have been said to him about him going to his Reduced Numbers Class (RNC) every day at school. The RNC class he attends is for reading. Morgan told me that the class is because he's "dumb" at reading. That makes me so sad. I corrected him and told him that the class is for him to read quietly in, to learn in an environment which isn't so noisy, and to be able to get more help since there are so few students. That seemed to make it better.
This little tidbit this week has made me think about what I'm teaching my son(s). With these extra supports, extra classes, lightened load here, overhearing me talk about Autism there, what am I teaching my son? Better yet, what are all of us teaching our kids about their self-worth? Are we teaching them that they are the best that they can possibly be or that they must work twice as hard as the other kids in order to not be "stupid" or "different?" We want functioning adults, but what's our definition? Are we accidentally emotionally crippling our children somehow by doing what we feel is best?
I get that by reaching for the best possible resources for Morgan, I really am helping him, please don't mistake this. I understand that by signing him up for a summer school reading program (Monday through Friday, 8:30am-10:30am, end of May until the end of July), I am trying to help him be the best Morgan he can be. However, I try to check myself by asking "When does he get to be a kid? Is this going to hurt him in the long run by sending the message that his best effort wasn't good enough? Am I not presuming enough competence?"
Am I the one who put those words into my son's mouth?
wow, this makes a lot of sense.....I can see how some may be crippling their kiddo by doing what we feel is best. I know I at times hover with Liam,or don't let him do certain things bc I worry so much, and bc I am AFRAID he will fail. and hubs, well he pushes him. Sometimes too much, but we are working to find a happy medium. (I have been getting better at letting him fail, bc let's face it, life is about failing, and learning and growing :)
ReplyDeleteI push Morgan a LOT. I mean, whenever I read aloud to him, I then go back and make him read. That's why you'll see my posts about homework taking so long some nights. I want him to "get it." But I worry about all of this taking a toll on him. I, as his mom, want him to reach his fullest potential. I let him fail because I can't be with him 24/7 and, as you said, life is about failing, learning, and growing.
DeleteI needed this post. I am very guilty of using stupid/idiot when I know better (I usually call myself stupid or an idiot when I mess up). My oldest son is four. He has sensory and speech issues (was a delayed speaker). He is in a pre-k program at a day care and has speech therapy twice a week and occupational therapy twice a week. I do not know what he thinks about being pulled out of class four days a week for therapy. I went through speech therapy as a kid, in elementary school. I do not remember how I felt. I do know kids can be cruel and I pray that no one teases my son because he is in therapy. I do not want him to think that because he needs extra help that he is stupid or slow. I want him to KNOW that he is smart and funny, and yes, he needs extra help with certain tasks, but that doesn't mean anything is wrong with him. In all honesty, I would rather my son get the help he needs to function daily than be teased (and he already has been made fun of by a kid his age for not saying a word properly. It made me livid). I do not think you, or I, are crippling our kids. I think we are doing what we can to help them succeed in life. It isn't easy to know what to do and say, though, is it?
ReplyDeleteNo, it is NEVER easy. I don't think it's meant to be, though. Morgan knows why he goes to ST and OT. I've worked with both therapists this year (and for next) to make it a lot less like therapy and a lot more like fun.
DeleteMy son says he's "stupid" and that everyday everyone never lets him forget that they are smarter than him. When he said this recently, my heart sank. I know that I was academically smarter than 99% of my class, but I never ever felt that way growing up. I was not in any special classes. My son is, but not a lot of them, and I don't do a lot of extra therapies. He gets a lot of chances to just be a kid, but it doesn't buffer him from the realization that he is not like the other kids, and that life comes harder for him. I explained it to him, like I did my dyslexic daughter, some things will be harder for you than your peers, and sometimes you will have to work your butt off to get what comes easy to your peers, but then there's the other times that your differences will let you shine in ways that others won't be able to. I tell them I will help them find their strengths to do this, and help accommodate their weaknesses. That's really all we can do as parents.
ReplyDelete"some things will be harder for you than your peers, and sometimes you will have to work your butt off to get what comes easy to your peers, but then there's the other times that your differences will let you shine in ways that others won't be able to."
DeleteYes. I've been explaining this to Morgan for some time now. I think perhaps he's still a bit too young to understand, but I think that, in time, he'll get it. I make sure to expound on his strengths (such as math and memorization of facts) and usually point those out before we being to address the weaknesses (such as reading). It is important, as parents, that we cement their foundations they are standing on. I would never want to do anything intentionally to tear my son(s) down. Glad to see I'm in good company.
Thank you for this post! We just had James's IEP yesterday and for the first time they are adding in resource time with the special ed teacher for reading comprehension and writing. I don't know what James is going to think about this so I guess we will have to see. We have protected him from the horrible timed math facts tests because he isn't fast but accurate. We have it written in his IEP that he isn't to take them ever and he can have the multiplication and addition facts charts available for all homework, school work and tests except for the state tests. James is going to have more pull outs this next year (resource room, 135 minutes a week and speech (60 minutes a week) plus guitar class (probably 30 minutes a week) I hope it won't put too much pressure on him to make up what the class is doing at that time. It is always a balancing act to get them what they need to succeed in the mainstreamed class.
ReplyDeleteI've thrown out a lot of what he needs to do to succeed in his mainstream class. I worry about it, sure, but I would love to have an education tailor made to my son. That, to me, is what an IEP is for. You play up the strengths and work on the weaknesses. For instance, Morgan, for now, is excelling at math and science. His attention to minute detail and memory serve him very well there. It's two areas which don't really change and he can depend on. Therefore, he is mainstreamed for that. Art, music (he LOVES music!), and gym are all with NT peers as well. Reading is really the only class he's in RNC for. I suppose English gets added in there somewhere, but he grasps the concepts fairly well. If his aide can help him, even better. Reading is his major weakness and it's an area he's not nearly as weak in as he was at the beginning of the year.
DeleteAs a mom, you shoot for what you hope is the best. We can read anything we can get our hands on, but I honestly think no one knows how to really do this thing. Every kid is different.