A controlled mess

I am, by nature, an absolute control freak. Or at least, that's how I like to imagine myself. I like to be able to carefully handle situations and my life. I do this in order to best be able to predict outcomes in my day to day functioning. I will honestly imagine how situations, interactions, hell, sometimes conversations, will execute themselves sometimes days or weeks in advance. I understand how futile this can be.

If I could, I would plan a spontaneous vacation.

With an Autistic child, this can get complicated and even the best laid plans have gone to complete smithereens within seconds of making them. With Lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, where my body feels different, at times, on a daily basis, this can swayed by something such as the weather. I have zero control over the weather. Add in a five year ginger haired boy and my life proceeds beyond complicated. Further multiply this by the anxiety which comes with having a Type-A personality, the unpredictability of a syncope disorder (Google it- it's not fun), and common stress from life, well, you get the picture.

To be blunt, I can be, and am, a complete mess. Don't get me wrong, my friends tell me I'm hilarious in my screw ups - sometimes - but I kind of think it's because I'm usually willing to laugh at myself.

I can pinpoint where and why the control factor started. I had a bit of a messed up childhood and managed to further some of the trend into early adulthood. Therefore, being so out of control makes me crave stability. My idea of stability means that I should be able to depend on "sameness" or regularity in my life and in my family's life. However, life doesn't work like that, at all.

So, why write about this?

I get bothered when people say that I'm strong. Or brave. Those are two adjectives which have been applied to me quite bit in my life and they always sit wrong in my head. Strong people don't obsess over things as much as I do, surely. Or have anxiety attacks because of something that hasn't even happened yet. Certainly, brave people don't put things off because they cannot foresee how the doing of these things will affect them, do they?

I know that others do the same thing, mostly other women, because I've met them. I write about things that are sometimes painful to admit because I know for me, whenever I read things I can relate to, it makes me feel less alone. This would be why things like forums for common interests or support groups exist. However, there doesn't seem to be a forum for batshit crazy thinkers. Or for moms who so carefully screen their kids playmates that they would rather, at times, keep their children away from other children. Yeah, I'm that mom.

Please don't misunderstand that last part. My children aren't kept inside a locked house 24/7, I'm just very selective about who I allow them to be around. I am a strict parent afraid of messing up her kids.  Not enough other parents are the same way, I don't want their children rubbing off on mine if I can help it. Harsh, yes, but those adorable little terrors are future adults that I will be foisting onto the world. I want to make a good impression.

So, I suppose my point in all of this is to not be afraid if you, too, are a mess. You have another member of the club.

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